Why I Almost Didn’t Post My First Episode.
A Battle with Perfectionism.
I left my job that I was very good at exactly forty days ago. Day 5 post-job, I had an expected and necessary breakdown. It was like reliving those first weeks of quarantine where you were scarily productive yet wildly unstable. Workout. Closet reorg. Inbox cleanup. Grocery shopping. I self cared and mom’ed so hard, not realizing I was desperately searching, grasping, for anything that felt like an identity and self worth. Turns out it wasn’t in a home- cooked meal or curated closet.
I told a friend that I was so consumed with fear that I felt paralyzed to actually do anything. I had ideas but I wasn’t able to see an end state, a business, and so therefore I did nothing. I sat with my nervous energy and fear of failure and had a pretty miserable few weeks. That friend finally said cool it on trying to build something new. Be still and create. Creativity is for yourself, building is for someone else.
So that’s what I did. I created.
The next few weeks were reconnecting with friends and myself. Around day 24 I put pen to paper — well, okay, fingers to keyboard — and wrote the first pass of what would become Fuck “It All”. It poured from me, organically, like it had been there right beneath the surface waiting to be released. I felt lighter, freer, more me than I had in a long, long time.
I was in my flow — high energy, high enjoyment. I shared the concept with a few close friends and got an overwhelming wave of “Hell yes, DO THIS!” As someone hardwired to seek and covet external approval, it fueled me.
Until…
I announced my newest endeavor to the world last Wednesday — day 33 post-job — and began editing episode 1. The content was so spot on for this moment in time — going live with the Civic Dinners founder and CEO two days before the biggest election in our country’s recent history felt timely, emotional, authentic. It felt like a conversation the world needed to have.
It also felt scary as hell. It was real. And so was the prospect of everyone that had said “Hell yes,” might now say, “What the hell?” I picked apart the episode — I sounded nasally from my allergies; I was nervous; I fumbled my intro. I was certain that if this was my debut to the world, then I would fail because all of those people who were excited about the launch would now be disappointed by just how amateur I was.
And then I was like GIRL, HOLD THE PHONE! This is not about being perfect — the whole damn concept was born to combat the unfair and impossible standard of perfection — and now you’re out here saying if it’s not perfect, it’s not worth it? Shut that down right now, and post that damn episode. You did the damn thing, and there’s a whole world of people out there that need to hear what Jenn — and you — have to say.
And, by the way, the episode totally slaps. I can’t wait for y’all to hear it.
X, KLG
